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Published: October 30, 2009
The Hoff gives those who are deemed ill-favored in life’s colorful genes with their own awards for this time of year. The annual “Freakies”.
We’re always taught growing up to believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder but then we find out that’s only an excuse that ugly people use. As we continue to focus on beauty in sports with our Maria Sharapova, Tom Brady, Kristi Leskinen, David Beckham, Kobe Bryant, Natalie Glublis and on and on we leave out the less fortunate that God created more like Danny Devito in the movie “Twins”…just with a lot of talent, speed and ability. That was a stretch considering I don’t see Devito running the 110 hurdles or on the field with Urlacher, but I think you got it. What better time to throw these freaks a party but during the days where they save money not buying a costume, the holiday that isn’t one, Halloween.
Here are my top 10 athletes that go door to door for candy everyday of the year.
No purchase necessary. Enter as often as you like. Active athletes only.
# 10 - Randy Johnson
Thought i’d start off the list with an easy one. The 6′10″ mullet maniac really needs no explanation. He’s a great pitcher, one of the greatest we (and John Cruk’s soiled pants) have seen in our lifetime. Off the diamond he’ll fit in nicely in a pre-halloween bbq in the garage with Uncle Billy, Mother, her 9 dogs and their collection of antique toilets.
# 9 Chris Kaman
Following the legacy of uglies produced by the NBA, Chris is trying his best to outdo Hall of Fame Freakies like Sam “Enemy Mine” Caswell and Popeye “OMG!” Jones. Kaman changes it up so much that he was cast on the show Lost, showed up, read his lines, and no one knew he was there. He’s one step below “the Big Unit” because of nickname precedence and at least Mr. Johnson has the fortitude to control his mullet.
#8 - Tayshaun Prince
Keeping with the NBA theme Tayshaun comes in ahead of Chris Kaman because he could strangle him from 8 1/2 feet away. I’ve heard the Pistons actually had to make his championship ring 3 times as long just to keep with some type of players ratio qualifications. Key points of disappointment: Should have won at least 9 defensive player of the year awards by now with those wings and failed to audition for Mr. Fantastic in the Fantastic Four when I urged him to. We only pray that series is not a trilogy.
#7 - Mark Tauscher
He’s over 300 lbs. Do you think i’m going to say anything about this wholly mammoth? Caveat: If he knocks Farve out of this weekends game, he’ll be sent directly to the Hall of Awesome. Seems very unlikely since he hasn’t played a game this season, thus he’s awarded here.
#6 - Aaron Harang
Directions: Repeatedly beat yourself with a baseball bat to the face. Result: Aaron Harang. Wow, that was even wrong for my limits. He was 6-14 this year, so it wasn’t all my doing.
#5 - Radek Stepanek
The one and only tennis player on the list hits us with his lizard like physique. I seriously thought I saw him eat a fly off the net during a game break from 26 feet away. I don’t know if Steven Tyler has a brother, but Radek would be his slightly better looking brother if it were true. Is that how Tyler got his pipes? flies? Focus Hoff focus.
#4 - Adam Morrison
Took a break from the NBA players only to see Cousin It’s senior class picture. This over-hyped college player has played just a bit more than I have in the NBA but thus has a ring. Shouldn’t there be more prerequisites to achieve this type of fame. Anyway, the Hoff’s What I learned from Adam Morrison tip of the day: If you can’t grow a moustache, don’t.
#3 - Marshawn Lynch
Do you think he wakes up and scares himself? I can see why he is a great running back. I wouldn’t want to tackle him either in fear of being snapped by one of his lifelike tenticals like Celia from Monsters, Inc. or turning to stone if you look at him. I did see that Marshawn has picked up the acting bug since I continually see him in Geico commercials.
2) 11348-way tie
2) 11348-way tie - Greg Oden, Joakim Noah, Chris Anderson, All Gymnasts and 96% of the NHL.
The first three are the new three headed monster of the NBA. I have nothing against gymnasts except they freak me out. Men and women should not be allowed to flip and fling about with no regard for other humans. Plus any sport that has Hobby Lobby yarn mixed with remembrances of egg and log rolls in gym class is auto disqualified. When you can fight anytime you want, sit in a box for 5 minutes, then do it again, you are just asking to be on this list NHLers. *fyi. look up Gino Odjick*
#1 - Ronaldo de Assis Moreira
Better known as just Ronaldinho. Rule is, only he that sports a mullet and can eat an apple through a tennis racket can garner the top award. This two-time footballer of the year is nasty on the field numerous ways. This man is incredible and one of the greatest to ever play the most popular sport in the world, BUT he is a hybrid of Jar Jar Binks and a llama. I give it to Ronaldinho for his Mastercard commercial though. Contract: £85 million. Refusing to buy £1295 braces. Priceless.
Did I leave someone off you think should qualify? Send an email to: thehoff@sportswiththehoff.com with your list. Who knows, I may just rethink it. Probably not, but you can try.
P.S. Just don’t email me about how horrible or mean this is. you know me, its a joke people, I love all these guys and I just hope one day someone puts me on their list.
Tagged with: aaron harang, adam morrison, chris kaman, greg oden, mark tauscher, marshawn lynch, radek stepanek, randy johnson, ronaldinho, tayshaun prince
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